Thursday, December 20, 2012

Witnessing Myself

Once I walked, from dawn to dusk, to a school located in remote hill region of Chitwan, and back home in town. As I walked briskly in the morning with energy and vigor, it took me little less than 5 hours to get to the school. But upon returning, I spent more than 6 hours walking under the sun that took a full toll on my body. I could feel the pain under my feet. That pain gradually moved upward in ultra slow motion from feet to ankle, to leg, and to the knees. I could clearly feel the pain ascending up as if I was a witness to what is happening to my body. I realized that sense of pain is one thing because it is certainly painful, whilst witnessing the pain is completely a different thing, an awakening experience. The witnessing the pain made fun of my misery. I was saying to myself, “See, what pain is? You could have stayed in the village and come back tomorrow. Now you well deserve this suffering.” Well, I was determined on my mission and I knew exactly what I needed to do, for my mind is active and aware of the situation.

I asked the witness what if the pain comes to chest and touches my heart. With burst of laughter he replied, “Walk for whole night then you’ll feel yourselves.” I assumed my heart would suddenly beat faster or much slower or it ceases to function. Maybe, the heart suddenly becomes stronger than brain. In general, human brain rules over the heart that’s why people follow where brain directs them and do not heed attention to heart. I also toed this line except on the occasion when I am out there for boozing.

What if the pain moves further up to strike my brain? Well, I might get intense migraine and suffer a brain hemorrhage. I, the witness, could see the blood rushing into the tiny tissues. When the pain came down to waist, I was virtually dragging myself for my mind refused to give in. When it moved to my rib-cage, I arrived at the highway to catch a public bus.

It would be a whole new experience some other day, when the similar situation drives the pain further up. But now I would like to replicate this experience with my inner feeling or emotion other than physical ones. I want the witness to observe and assess the feeling. I had experimented with the anger, for instance. Like the pain, it also rises in gradual procession. I imagine the milk rises slowly with low heat. At the point of saturation it stays for long before it subsides slowly that gives ample opportunity to assess the whole procession and how it originates. The feeling comes into light, apparently, for no proper reason but it is so intense that it preoccupies whole body and soul. Witnessing this experience helps me to find the veil at the front, the veil of Maya (oblivion). Tearing it apart, I try to see its other side to find the unfathomable depth. I am now wondering if the feeling is all real or absolute. Or is it just an illusion?

On this regard, my thoughts are always subject to scrutiny and criticism. It is wide open. Nevertheless, I am enjoying the wonderful experience of witnessing myself.

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